Dear Lemon

My love, this is the story of how you came and went out of our lives. It took me more than a year to write this. Yes, it was that hard. Honestly, until now I still feel pain every time I remember you but I know I have to cope. I have no choice.

Not many people know that Dad and I have been trying for a baby already. We stuck by our plan to enjoy our togetherness first for two years before trying. On our second year, we began trying and kept failing. It was only after two years that I felt something different from my body. My period was delayed already but I ignored it at first because it happens to me at times. But there's something about my throat that was different. It was painful but not sore. My tummy was acting up also. I suspected and hoped I was pregnant so I bought some pregnancy tests. I waited until Dad's birthday to test. I thought that if I am indeed pregnant then it's a good birthday gift for Dad.

So early morning on June 30, 2016, I peed on the stick. I closed my eyes and prepared to be disappointed. But when I opened my eyes, there you were -

I hurriedly prepared Dad's breakfast. I put this test on his plate and covered it with a sheet of torn page of a notebook. Cheap, eh? Sorry baby I was not prepared.

Dad's reaction was epic. As in, no reaction. He just smiled. Oh well that's Dad. We were supposed to go to the bank to sign the papers for our house but we dropped by the OB's clinic first to have Mom checked. You know, we have to make sure you are there. And voila! There's a gestational sac (just the container) but you are not there yet. It's ok, still too early at four weeks and four days. The doctor told us to return after two weeks. I was given Duphaston, Folic Acid and Calcium.

So we went to the bank and got Dad his birthday cupcake. His best birthday gift that year was you!

July 16 - Sixteen days after. The doctor expected heartbeat at that point since I was at 6w6d. Unfortunately, there's none. The sac only grew to 5w2d. Still, the doctor said to come back after a week. I was given the same set of meds plus Co-Amoxiclav to treat my UTI. I went on bedrest by this time. I was hoping I could save you.

July 23 - There's a yolk sac (where you will get nutrition) already but still no fetal pole and heartbeat. Gestational sac grew to 7w1d but became slightly irregular in shape. The doctor said to come back after a week then she will give her final verdict. It seems like she already know that you will not live but we are still hoping.

July 30 - There's a fetal pole already! It was 6w5d, super small for its gestational age and there's still no cardiac activity. The shape of the sac became worse. It was already deformed. And then there's hemorrhage. Although there's a pole already, the doctor diagnosed me with Fetal Demise and advised for me to have D&C. I told her I will sleep on it first but deep inside I was still hoping you'll live.

Then in the morning of August 2, just after Dad went to work, I saw blood when I peed. Sorry for this graphic photo but I just want to put this out here because some people who are experiencing the same might want to see how miscarriage blood looks like.

I called Dad back because I was too scared. We called our doctor and she ordered us to go straight to the ER. This was me at the ER. After an IE, they scheduled me for a D&C. So there's goes my hope.

This was me at the ward. I'm smiling fakely. My God was I so devastated. I was scheduled for a D&C at 5 pm the same day.

Here's Dad still trying to work.

At 5 pm, they wheeled me to the Delivery Room. I remembered being scared because it was my first time to actually go on top of an operating table. It was so cold. I was trembling because of the cold and more because I'm scared. Added to the daze was the fact that all I see was blurry actions because I was not allowed to use my eyeglasses. I remembered being asked to sit down so they can administer anesthesia on my spine. I can still remember the pain. Then they put my legs on a stirrup and then the doctor said he will put me to sleep. The next thing I remembered was waking up in the recovery room. We waited for me to feel and move my legs before they transfer me to our ward. I was done at 8 pm. You know what's more painful? My experience in that room was like child birth, only there's no child to take home.

I cried that night because I know you are not with me anymore. I cried more when Dad was already sleeping. My journey came flashing through my teary eyes. The joy I felt when I learned about you was immeasurable. I didn't know I can love someone I haven't seen yet. But that joy was overpowered by the pain of losing you. And it was true - You won't know heartbreak until you lose a child.

I isolated myself from the world for quite some time. I did not like hearing people's encouragement that I can always have another child. Yes I can, but I want you. No one can replace you. I do not want you as my angel. I want you as my baby. For some time, I blamed God. I know I shouldn't but I feel the need to blame someone. I even blamed myself. I could have done a lot better. But after all that, there's nothing I can do. For the whole duration of my maternity leave, I cried and cried some more. Dad tried to cheer me up by buying me a macbook and plane tickets to travel. It helped a bit but I was still in a deep emotional turmoil. It was lessened every time Dad was with me because I know he shared my pain. 

My love, I want you to know that I always remember you. You are my star, you are my first baby love. The more that Cali makes me happy now, the more that I think of if you were alive will I be as happy as I am now? I'm still full of what ifs. I don't know when to stop. I guess I just have to live through it so we can be like a normal family. I know you want us to.

Loving you forever,

Mom