OK. But let me just say sorry first to my ex for telling our story to the world. It might turn bad since I'll be talking about the 'heartbreak' per se. Pero no one reads my blog naman e. :P and this might be good so people will be aware of my side of the story.
Let's go back to memory lane...
Let's call him F. I've loved him when I was not allowed to. Yes guys, high school po ito, 4th year to be exact. We were young and so in love then. So wapakels na sa parents. In short, naglaro kami ng taguan. Well, sa side ko lang naman. Hindi alam ni mama na may BF na ako. Sa side nila, aware naman si mudra nya.
Everything was happy and rosy. We were seeing each other EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Wala e, in love e! Until we went to college.. At first, keri pa naman namin kahit magkaiba kami ng school. We can easily meetup naman sa SM Centerpoint - one ride away for me and walking distance naman for him. What we did na lang is sabay kami pumapasok every day then sabay din kami uuwe. The papasok part, madali lang since pareho kami ng schedule, the pauwe part ang mahirap. That for me was when the problem started...
I found close friends out of my college blockmates. Shempre, first time namin makawala sa totoong mundo so we wanted to explore the world. We were in the phase of our life na gusto namin always gumimik. Kahit tambay lang sa dorm ng isang classmate tapos bili ng isang gin bulag at boy bawang, solve na! But meron akong schedule. If my uwian is 1:30PM and F's uwian is 4:30 and my friends wants to hang out pa, better for me kasi may tatambayan ako before kami magkita ni F. Ang problema pag baligtad. Ako ang 4:30, sya ang 1:30, I can't go out with my friends, kailangan ko sumibat ura-urada. You know why? Kasi hindi ako papayagan ni F. Somehow, let's give it a name, mejo may insecurities si F kasi hindi nya pa kilala ang friends ko. And having taken Engineering, alam nya na marami akong classmates na boys. Seloso kasi sya ng slight. Kahit wala naman dapat pagselosan. Oh well, pareho naman kaming sport ang jealousy. Hehe
At first. I'm fine with it. Until that moment na magoovernight dapat kami ng friends sa bahay nina Muf one weekend. Ok na lahat, sasama na lahat. Ready na ang CD ng movie. Napagplanuhan na namin ang itutumba naming baka (corned beef na ulam). Nakapagpaalam na din ako sa mama ko at ok lang daw. But then nung nagpaalam ako kay F, boom hindi daw pwede! At bilang mabait akong jowa, sinunod ko sya. Monday came, ang saya-saya ng kwentuhan ng tropa tapos sabi nila - Sayang, ikaw lang ang wala. WHAT.THE.FCUK. Nakakasakal.
But wait, ok pa kami nito. Ok pa ako nito.
The 'real' falling apart phase for me was when he 'almost' hit me. Yup, hit as in sasapakin. I cannot exactly remember the reason why we were fighting that time. Siguro kasi I am really trying hard to forget, but somehow I cannot erase that moment in my system. Sorry na guys, Scorpio e! Anyhoo, going back.. I remembered sitting inside their living room. Bukas pa ang TV nila nun. Si tita ay nasa loob ng kwarto. Nagtatalo kami about something. Then napikon ako so I decided na mag-walkout. Ugali ko yun e, ayoko kasi ng confrontation. He was seated near the main door so dun ako dumaan sa may kitchen. But pag dun ka kasi dadaan, you have to go around pa rin which is ang ending e dadaan ka rin sa may main door. So ayun nga, sinalubong nya ako and then I said, "Uuwe na ako." Nun nya ako inambaan ng suntok. Buti na lang dumating si Tita at pinigil sya. Sabi ko nun kay tita - "Uuwe na po ako." But hindi nya ako pinayagan. Umupo daw muna kami at kumalma. Nakakahiya daw sa kapitbahay if makikita akong umiiyak. So I obliged. While I was sitting trying to calm myself down (I was crying hard kasi), F tried to say sorry pero wala na mga ateng e. Ang nasa utak ko nun, kung hindi ba dumating si Mama nya itutuloy nya ba ang suntok saken? I was so scared of him. To quote Gone Girl - he might kill me, he may truly kill me. OA, I know.
The next few weeks were a blur na. Parang auto pilot na lang ako. I don't know if nafeel ni F yun, but I'm falling apart na. There was this one time pa na while my classmates and I were waiting for our next subject, nakaupo kami nun sa hallway, I just started crying. I remembered my pa-girl friend, Jayvee hugging me. I was so devastated that time kasi I know I love F but my fear was eating me. Jayvee asked me why not break up with him. I said I don't know if I want to.
Fast forward to a few weeks before my 18th birthday, I realized that I'm starting to find other guys attractive. To which, nung super in love pa ako kay F, never ko kilala ang feelings na yun. I particularly liked this one close friend. But then, I killed my emotions. Hindi pwede to, I have a boyfriend, I love him, may problema lang ako but I can still work this out.
My 18th birthday came, F finally agreed to go to my house. That's the first time na ipapakilala ko sya kay mama. For the longest time, I was trying to convince him to go meet my mother pero ayaw nya kasi kinakabahan daw sya. Hindi ko na sya pinilit pa kasi kahit ako takot din. But on my 18th birthday, he came. Ewan kung dahil ba special occasion o dahil nasense na din nya na he needed to do that or lose me. Ohh baka nagtataka kayo, very simple lang po kasi ang 18th birthday ko. Day swimming lang with my college friends then konting handa lang sa bahay for my relatives and high school friends. Walang cotillion chever. So yun nga, he came that night. I'm happy. But right there and then, I know wala na talaga.
A little over one week after my birthday, November 19 to be exact, we were seated outside their house. That's when I told him na I'm breaking up with him. I told him I still love him, with all my heart (totoo yan) but I needed to do this. Kasi that time, no matter how much I love him, hindi na ako masaya na magkasama kami. And for the record, that was not because I like someone else. Scroll up, and read - I killed my emotions for that boy. That 'almost suntok' event broke my trust and my heart. And I needed to get out before it consumes me.
Ayaw nya pumayag nun to break up. Kasi mahal ko pa daw sya. Ayusin daw namin. Pero sabi ko sa kanya, more than one month ko na sinusubukan ayusin pero wala talaga. Nakakahiya man pero ginamit ko talaga ang line na to - IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME. Tapos sabi ko kanta ko for you yung I LOVE YOU, GOODBYE.
Pero wag ka, even after the official break up, struggle pa rin sya for me. Kasi alam ko nasaktan ko sya. And every day then, he was making me remember. Meron time na every morning inaabangan nya ako sa sakayan ng bus. Minsan inaabangan din nya ako sa sakayan pauwe (kasi alam nya class sched ko). Then palagi sya may iaabot na letter saken telling me how much he loves me and he will wait for me to be ready again. Para matapos lang, I told him, malay natin pag 5th year natin maging ready ako ulit. Pag single ka pa rin that time, e di tayo ulit. I saw his eyes lighten up. He was happy! I smiled kasi that time I said the truth.
But after a month of saying that, I regret my words. Remember the boy I killed my emotions for? Nung nalaman nya na break na kami ni F, he expressed his feelings more. I can sense na he tried na iwasan yun kasi nga naman kakagaling ko lang sa long relationship. Kaya lang bata e, nahirap pigilan ang damdamin. I found myself liking him again, and I cried. I cried because I know I'll hurt F.
One night, pauwe ako nun, hinatid ako ni new boy. Ligawan phase pa lang kami nun. Nasa estribo side kami ng jeep - si new boy sa tabi ng door at ako sa tabi nya. All of a sudden, may sumabit. And guess who - yup, it's F. Spell A-W-K-W-A-R-D. Apparently, sinusundan pa rin nya ako. I felt his pain but I also sympathize with the new boy. Kasi naman ipinagbayad kami ng pasahe ni F. For 3 yun, nainsulto si new boy. I know, I know, it's my fault. Break na kami ni F, alam ni new boy yung about kay F, fault ko pa rin ba? Oo kasi di ko sinusunod ang 3-month rule? Hindi pa naman kami ni new boy ah! Fault ko pa rin kasi nagpapaligaw na ako? Fault ko na pinaasa ko sya nung sinabi ko na baka pag 5th year na kami pwede kami magkabalikan e tapos eto one month after nagpapaligaw na ako sa iba? Ok sige mali na ako. And I was hurting like hell for what I made him do.
I continued to try to avoid my feelings towards the new boy, but then another month passed and wala na, I was swept away. I'm still hurting kasi alam ko pag nalaman ni F to masasaktan na naman sya but my desire to be happy was much stronger so I gave in. And true enough, I saw the hurt in his eyes. Unti-unti, he started to disappear in my life.
And then karma hit me. After two months and two days, the new boy left me. Even if I was hurting because of the new boy, I'm still thinking about F. Siguro ipinagdasal nya na makarma ako. Or siguro will lang talaga ni God to kasi may sinaktan akong tao. Whichever it was, I know I deserved it.
Side story: I forgot to tell you that F and I are in the same circle of friends in high school. When we broke up, I distanced myself from them. That's when he told his story siguro. Pati yung about the new boy. Fast forward to one year after our breakup, I went to see them. Galit sila saken for what they know I did. Tapos lasing and bitter effect pa si F that time kaya supported ang story. So sabi ko, tama na, it's time you hear my story. I don't know if they believed me na hindi ko tinutime ang friend nila. I remembered being hurt nun kasi jinudge nila ako without hearing my side of the story. Still a heartbreaker moment because of him.
And akala nyo ba dun na nagtapos yun? Nope. January 2010 nagreunion ulit ang tropa. Note that 8 years ago na yung breakup namin ha, I'm with D na that time. Inuman, kwentuhan, kantahan. Tapos nung nalasing biglang nagwalk out na naman si F nung nagkaasaran about us. Hindi naman maiiwasan yun sa tropa diba? E napuno na ang lola nyo! Usually kasi hahayaan ko lang sya. Ayun sinundan ko sya at kinausap ko. Sabi ko - "Ano pa ba ang kailangan ko gawin para mapatawad mo pa ako? Iginanti ka na ng Diyos sa akin. 2 beses na rin ako iniwan ng lalake after mo. Gusto mo ba lumuhod pa ako sa harap mo para mapatawad mo lang ako." He said sorry after that and promised na ok na sya.
I don't know na what happened to him after that. We're FB friends but he seldom updates his FB so wala na ako balita sa kanya. Every now and then I get to hear news about him. Nung at last nakagraduate na rin sya and may work na. I felt relieved. For sometime kasi I felt responsible for what happened to his life. Mejo hindi kasi sya nakagraduate on time and very different sya from the F that I know na mataas ang pangarap. It might be because of what I did to him, or maybe not. Where ever he is, I hope he is well and I hope napatawad na nya talaga ako for good. If you see him, please tell him I'm sorry for everything.
Ohh para may face naman behind the kwento. Sila lang ang bisita ko sa bahay nung 18th birthday ko (aside from my relatives). There's 2 guys in the photo. Hulaan nyo na lang kung sino. :P
The good and the bad,
Yosh
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